When cleaning house, one must always remember to wear protective gloves....

I know, I know...

It's the New Year and practically everyone in the Western world is making declarations of good intent for the forthcoming 12 months. It's such a cliche to join the masses and profess to improve oneself with gusto (if I couldn't quite manage it over the course of the preceding 12 months, why do I think it'll be any different now?), and yet here I am doing just that.

I have officially had enough of being miserable and worse, being so painfully introspective. I am doing away with all surplus baggage, binning everything in my life that isn't good for me: blue doritos (oh you golden, cuneate morsels from heaven, how I shall miss thee), Kopparberg and fries at lunchtime (*sob*), my compulsion to be sedentary at every available opportunity, my crippling lack of self-confidence and every emotionally detrimental relationship I have. In the bin you go.

I shall replace you with things that are full of health and vigour. I shall do Pilates once again every morning. I will resume walking home from work each night. I will eat homemade sushi (nom nom) and cassoulet, and drink nothing but water and (gag) cammomile tea. Mung beans shall be my best friend, and we will rejoice in our combined virtue.

I will watch films of note once more and perfect my gee-tar playing skills. I will see all my friends who I have so heinously neglected over the past few years (I am sorry - will you ever forgive me?) I will leave work on time at least four days a week and will no longer let it dominate my life. Never again will I stay in the office until 1am. Non non non.

To be fair, I doubt very much that I will desist drinking or smoking. However, I shall endeavour (ooh, am a rhymer) to drink and smoke less. Or perhaps less frequently. Yes, instead of being a habitual tippler, I shall become a reckless bingeing booze-hound. Much healthier.

I will partake in vague-sounding pastimes such as 'weekending'.

I will not learn to love gardening.

Most importantly I will pursue my heart's desires, in every sense. No more lamenting times past and loves lost. If I want something, I will do my darnedest to go out and get it, whatever 'it' may be.

Oh, barring my unbridled lust for a certain (nameless) married man. I shall not do any pursuing there.