Oh crap...

...horrid, palpable resounding melancholia descending over last few days. Sheer panic at realisation that another human being has influence on own moods. Desperate longing for days of being untouchable ice queen, heartbroken but tough.

Miss that self. Fear new slightly squishier self cannot withstand barrage of emotion creeping upon me.

Think sadness might actually be broken heart gently reminding that it has not gone forever. Will creep back when least expected.

Horrid. Horrid horrid.

Crap.

How to deal with a broken heart...

To my beautiful girl: I promise you're going to be ok.
It just takes time.

Meanwhile....

Some lessons I have learned along the way:

1. Get fat.
This sounds like the exact opposite of what you would ideally want to do but in reality it rules.
Comfort eat for a couple of months (during the time that you are too broken to make eye contact with another human being, let alone entertain the idea of allowing yourself to be romanced) and fester merrily under your covers until your neighbours begin to worry about the corpse-like smell emanating from your house. Reach a proper low, don't wash your hair, get spotty, maybe don't change the bedsheets for a week or two....

Then, and only then, will you realise that you simply must pull yourself together. You cannot let him/her do this to you. Wonderful, glorious you. You'll bathe, exercise, preen and comb, emerging goddess-like from your slightly stinky soporific state.

Even though no one else may have seen your nauseating-eating-stale-crisps-in-bed-behaviour, you will see the difference in yourself, crystal clear. You'll be a delighful little changeling, capable of the bravest feats, so proud of yourself for dragging your sorry arse out of that den of filth.

And that's all you need. To be proud of yourself again.
Like before.

2. Listen to lots of 'fuck you' music.
Strong, shouty angry girls. Man-hating girls. Read lots of feminist theory (because even if you think it's nonsense, and you forget it all within a week, you'll suddenly feel a proper tough cookie rather than a small, broken girl). Although, try not to forget it. Because it's actually quite important y'know. For the ladies.

Write some lyrics, and play terribly executed rudimentary guitar whilst screaming them at the top of your lungs. Do this in front of other girls. Watch them cringe at how spectactularly awful you are. Bask in their compassionate shame for you. Revel in their pitying looks. Embrace it.

3. Rebound with the wrongest person you can find.
Preferably the hottest person you can find. But someone who's a real shit. Someone you genuinely hate and wouldn't mind physically hurting. Someone who you'll never ever want to see again once you've bumped uglies.

You must not risk liking this person. You are too broken for this.
But what you do need is for a real hottie to adore you for a couple of hours. Lavish attention on you. Make you feel like you are the superest of all super foxes that ever graced this green earth.

You'll probably hate yourself for a little while, but let's be honest. Everyone rebounds, so you may as well do it in spectacular fashion (not by believing you like the person though: that's just mean to the poor unsuspecting fool who falls for your tortured, damaged husk of a self).


I am not an expert, oh no.
But as someone recovering from a heartbreak so epic that it shook my whole world, I'll tell you this: You're going to hurt for a long time baby. Allow it, but do whatever you can to make yourself smile. Even just for a moment.

It's like eating when at war: you never know when you're next going to have the chance.

It's hard to begin when you've lost track of where you are....

Someone once told me, to ritually and analytically refelct on one's past personal experiences is indication of an unhealthy state of mind, and can only result in melancholia. So just stop it.

Given that this was a shrink telling me this (after relentlessley quizzing me on the past 5 years of my life), I've since remained unconvinced. I mean, of course one should try and not obsess about past happenings - after all, the nature of time itself renders us unable to change these things, and we therefore risk torturing ourselves with frustration, regret and sadness.

And yet.... Sometimes you just need to vent. To look back, ask some questions, ponder a little, and get well and truly fucked off before being able to move on in a healthy fashion. I guess my problem is, I appear to have taken a step back rather than forward and suddenly I find myself in temporal limbo. Is this a year ago? Did the past year even happen? Was it all a dream?

At what point should I force myself to admit that perhaps this regression is not the healthiest thing I have ever done? That in fact, these backward shufflings are probably undoing all the good that I've strived so hard to do. Negating all the pep-talks, the self-assurances, mini high fives and pats on the back for just being so goddamned tuff?

Or was it simply inevitable that I would revisit this territory? A given that we would find our way back, because, somehow it never truly ended. And in fact, this past year was a black hole, a blip in time, and this isn't a new beginning after all, just a continuation of what started three years ago...

It never ended, y'see?
That whole time, it never ended.